ProductionNinja.com

Wed. Show Prep – Assault with a Deadly Paper Weight Edition

Keith — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 14:10:49 +0000

A teacher in Indiana discovered a grenade in a student’s backpack. It was a disarmed grenade purchased for the kid as a gift from the parents. He’s been temporarily suspended. Isn’t that a little harsh? Since it’s disarmed it’s basically just something that looks like a weapon.
The Census form is 10 questions long. Some people say they’ll give a head count only. Will you tell them everything they want to know, or do you think they are just gathering intel so they know what houses to send the black helicopters to?
Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for $100 million because she says an ad featuring a baby named “Lindsay” who is a “milkaholic.” So now any skanky drunk named “Lindsay” is automatically based on Lindsay Lohan?
Moment of racial insensitivity: Wal-Mart has decided to sell the “black” Barbie for less than the “white” Barbie. I can see where Wal-Mart is coming from, but I think it’s bad form that they are also selling it with a bus pass instead of the dream car…
Karl Rove… RINO? The former Bush advisor (and future Big John Howell guest on 3/18) says that purity tests are a bad idea, because even Reagan wouldn’t pass one.
Now former Congressman Eric Massa may not be the innocent bystander that we were led to believe. The House ethics committee has received allegations that he groped at least three male staffers. Well that seems fairly Foley-like.
An IDOT bureau chief is facing peeping Tom charges. Big Brother is watching you.
The Obama administration is reportedly looking to bar recreational fishing. They can have my fishing rod when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.
Health desk: 1 in 6 Americans are infected with herpes. (Sings) “And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free…”
Blago will be doing the Top Ten List on The Late Show Wednesday night.
More bad news for Toyota: A Prius was reportedly going 90 mph and couldn’t stop.

Slow News Day

Keith — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 23:37:35 +0000

(NSFW yet hilarious language)

Tues. Show Prep – Tourist Destination Edition

Keith — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 18:27:47 +0000

A hotel overlooking Ground Zero is using it’s views as a selling point. Do you think Ground Zero is a valid tourist destination or are they cheapening the memory of the people who died there?
Finally an idea comes out of Congress that I can get behind. Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick, D-Ariz., has introduced a bill to cut pay for members of Congress by 5 percent.
Mary Josephine Ray has died at age 114. She WAS the oldest living American. Now Neva Morris of Ames, Iowa is next in the crosshairs.
Imagine yourself in the shower when suddenly a naked Rahm Emanuel starts yelling at you and poking you in the chest. That’s exactly what Eric Massa says happened when he would not support ObamaCare. Geez, that would make me want to resign too.
Our law enforcement officers just aren’t respected anymore. Last week we had the story of the guy who was fighting to make flipping off a cop protected speech. Now a woman has been charged with squirting breast milk at a deputy.
Big Brother Alert: British garbage cans may soon sport microchips to monitor what people throw away. You WILL recycle, and you will like it.
Befuddling stat of the day: 15% of Americans have interrupted sex to answer a cell phone call. If it’s important, they’ll leave a voicemail.
Heath Desk: 6 Women Hospitalized After Botched Butt-Enhancing Procedures.
Scare in the Air: A pilot hit a deer while he was trying to land at the airport in Grayslake.
Scare in the Air part deux: A flight attendants’ union is demanding that attendants get combat training. “Put your tray tables and seat backs in the upright and locked position… or else!”

Mon. Show Prep – Revenge of the Nerds Edition

Keith — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 15:41:06 +0000

A student in Michigan sued the school district because he said they weren’t doing enough to protect him from bullies. He won and got $800,000. Discuss.
Zero Tolerance strikes again: A kindergartener got suspended for making a gun with his hand.
More than 175 people have applied to be the Lt. Governor candidate for the democrats. The most high-profile might be Sheila Simon, Paul Simon’s daughter.
Wheel of Ways and Means Chairmen: Sander Levin had to repay a property tax credit that he shouldn’t have gotten. So he’s more or less going to be in charge of taxes for the House, and he was getting a tax credit that he wasn’t eligible for.
The Department of Homeland Security is protecting the US from cyber attack by going through ALL internet communication. They supposedly take out personal information unless they find something suspicious. I feel better. The project’s codename is “Einstein.” A government program should never be called “Einstein.” John that popping sound you heard in New York was Judge Napolitano’s head exploding.
Scare in the Air: A man on a flight to Vegas thought it would be a good idea to take off all of his clothes as the airplane began its final approach. Authorities actually let him go. There’s a joke to be made about things being in the “upright and locked” position… but I just can’t find it.
Proof that my degree from UAHuntsville, the MIT of the southeast isn’t worth the cardstock it’s printed on: A study confirms that colleges have been engaging in grade inflation for decades.
This story submitted without need for comment: A car crash in the Florida Keys was caused when a woman was shaving her bikini area while driving.

Fri. Show Prep – Conspiracy Theory Edition

Keith — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 16:04:52 +0000

An Orland Park man is suing the city claiming that his ex-wife conspired with the Chicago PD to issue him 24 false parking tickets. The ex-wife of course claims to have nothing to do with the tickets. Sounds a little far fetched to me.
David Paul Kuhn at Real Clear Politics says that between people like Paul Ryan, Bobby Jindal and Mitch Daniels the GOP is experiencing a new age of Republican nerds. If you’re advising the GOP is that good news? Would you rather have people who know the issues inside and out or people who have enough charisma to make middle Americans swoon?
Juan Williams says that Sarah Palin is only successful because she is attractive. Palin’s obviously a decent looking young lady, but I think she’s really more successful because people can identify with her, and because she can deliver a snappy one-liner.
Nudity in New Jersey: New Jersey family forced to cover up their nude snow sculpture.
Biggest, funnest, Fridayest headline of all time: Naked Woman Tied To Tree In Tacoma Park Not A Problem.
Scare in the Air: A pilot was about to take off with a plane full of passengers when he was arrested for allegedly having a fake license.
Pete Stark was named head honcho of the Ways and Means Committee replacing Charlie Rangel for a day… only to step down and hand the gavel to Sander Levin. Didn’t Andy Warhol say that in the future everyone would be Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee for 15 minutes?
Conservatives everywhere had a grabber at about 12:30pm today. For some reason the gossip site RadarOnline posted a completely bogus report that John Roberts was going to shock everyone and resign from the Supreme Court. It was briefly picked up by Drudge and all hell broke loose in the blogosphere.
The White House war against the fatties continues. Rahm Emanuel’s older brother says that “heavier people” are bad for the economy. Interestingly, the numbers kind of add up, when you consider the fact that the national has never been fatter and the economy is in the dumps.
Big John Howell isn’t the only person who has joined Twitter lately. The Dalai Lama has also started tweeting. If you follow him, when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.

The Death of the American Dream?

Keith — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 22:35:46 +0000

Very surprising numbers from my guy Scott Rasmussen, Just 48% Say It’s Possible for Anyone To Work Their Way Out of Poverty:

Americans place little store in the value of hard work these days.

A new Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey finds that only 48% of adults now think it is possible for anyone in the United States to work their way out of poverty. Thirty-five percent (35%) disagree and say it’s not possible, but 17% more aren’t sure.

The new findings mark a continuing downward trend over the past 14 months of regular tracking on the question.

It’s the second month in a row that under 50% say it’s possible for anyone to work their way out of poverty – and the lowest level of confidence to date.

Thurs. Show Prep – Take Your Kid To Work Day Edition

Keith — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 13:54:00 +0000

Reason #76 to Avoid Flying: Somehow a child was allowed to direct air traffic at JFK Airport. The FAA is investigating, but it appears that a controller brought the child to work on February 17th and allowed him to talk to pilots.
Reason #77 to Avoid Flying: The former O’Hare security grand poobah says that O’Hare is the least secure airport in these United States of America.
Viacom has announced that The Daily Show and The Colbert Report will be yanked from Hulu. Apparently Viacom thinks this whole internet thing is a fad. Either that or they aren’t sure the internet is safe.
John Edwards may be indicted for violating campaign finance laws in paying his mistres. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
Mark Foley Part Deux: New York Congressman Eric Massa is retiring admid allegations that he sexually harassed a male staffer.
Thursday Fight Club: It’s not just Chuck-E-Cheese anymore. A brawl erupted at a Wendy’s in Florida when someone allegedly cut the line. You don’t want to stand between someone and their Baconator.
Pointless study of the day: A study claims that living together before marriage has little effect on whether the marriage will be successful. It seems like living together would help out a little, since you’d have a good idea if your significant other does something so annoying that you’re likely to snap kill them. That’s the sort of thing you want to know before you commit to a whole life together.
A British supermarket chain has come up with toilet paper with “extracts of cashmere” woven in. Wasn’t there supposed to be a recession going on or something?
Be all that you can be… The army has seen an increase in the number of unfit soldiers. America is obese, which would the military be any different?
The American Family Association wants the Killer Whale that killed it’s trainer to be stoned to death. An eye for an eye indeed.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Keith — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 09:46:39 +0000

The true story of my favorite President finally comes to light…

Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech

Keith — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 01:02:02 +0000

Falcon 9 is almost ready to fly

Keith — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 22:56:31 +0000

It has to be a sad time for the folks at the Kennedy Space Center… just today they were rolling Discovery out to the launch pad for the next space shuttle flight, one of only four remaining. Many of the folks on the space coast will lose their jobs, since President Obama has canceled NASA’s follow-up to the shuttle program, and to add insult to injury they actually rolled Discovery right past the nearly complete launch pad for the now-canceled Moon program. (That begs the question, do they tear it down now or wait until it’s finished? Does that count as a “saved” job?)

It’s not all bad news though, the completely unproven commercial rocket that the entire United States manned spaceflight program is resting on was turned on for it’s first countdown rehearsal:

Friday’s countdown wet dress rehearsal was “the smoothest test we have conducted to date,” said Tim Buzza, the Falcon 9 launch director.

The booster has spent the last week at Complex 40 after being assembled inside a hangar at the pad’s southern perimeter. Stormy weather and high winds earlier this week pushed the countdown rehearsal to Friday.

After powering up the 15-story rocket, the launch team verified all systems were functioning, performed engine purge checks and cleared workers from the launch pad.

There are a couple more hurdles that the Falcon 9 still has to clear before they’ll be ready for launch, including the Air Force approving the self-destruct system… something you definitely want to have working, especially on a rocket that has never flown before.

Most of me is rooting for SpaceX… I’ve been a big fan of theirs for a long time, and the future of space exploration will depend more on people like Elon Musk than big government agencies like NASA.

Still, handing over the keys of the entire manned spaceflight program to a commercial company that hasn’t even flown the darned rocket yet was an incredibly stupid move… and it would really serve President Obama right if the darned thing blew up on the pad the first time out.

Aw who am I kidding? I just want to see it fly.

Which should happen some time between now and May.

What’s the over/under on successful flights before Congress passes a crippling “Putting people into space tax”?