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Posts by Keith
Thurs. Show Prep – Adult Disagreement Edition
- Most awesome story of the day: Two women in Madison, WI smeared dog feces on each other’s cars and then dueled with shovels over whose dog did what on whose lawn.
- Just how bad is the budget mess here in the great state of Illinois? Gov. Quinn’s budget calls for the state to borrow $4.6 billion just to keep the lights on. That’s 1/4 of NASA’s budget. Just sayin’
- Don’t tase me bro… The Chicago police are going to expand their use of Tasers. I think that we should bring a police officer in studio and have them tase Mike Scott.
- Eric Massa is one strange, strange man. During his Navy years Massa was “notorious for making unwanted advances toward subordinates.” He used to offer then special “Massa Messages” and one sailor says that Massa groped him.
- Poll position: President Obama’s approval rating is down to 43% according to Rasmussen. It’s been headed that way for a while now, but you want the real shocker? They have GOP nominee for governor Bill Brady leading Pat Quinn by 10 points.
- Health Desk: A shock study from the University of Chicago reveals that men like sex more than women.
- 2nd most awesome story of the day: 74 year old woman accidentally rides through a car wash… on the outside of the car.
- Geektastic: A new study has confirmed Einstein’s theory of general relativity was probably correct. Sadly I can actually explain how general relativity works…
- Scare in the Air: The TSA has doubled the number of names on the No-Fly List since the underware bomber.
Wed. Show Prep – Assault with a Deadly Paper Weight Edition
A teacher in Indiana discovered a grenade in a student’s backpack. It was a disarmed grenade purchased for the kid as a gift from the parents. He’s been temporarily suspended. Isn’t that a little harsh? Since it’s disarmed it’s basically just something that looks like a weapon.- The Census form is 10 questions long. Some people say they’ll give a head count only. Will you tell them everything they want to know, or do you think they are just gathering intel so they know what houses to send the black helicopters to?
- Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for $100 million because she says an ad featuring a baby named “Lindsay” who is a “milkaholic.” So now any skanky drunk named “Lindsay” is automatically based on Lindsay Lohan?
- Moment of racial insensitivity: Wal-Mart has decided to sell the “black” Barbie for less than the “white” Barbie. I can see where Wal-Mart is coming from, but I think it’s bad form that they are also selling it with a bus pass instead of the dream car…
- Karl Rove… RINO? The former Bush advisor (and future Big John Howell guest on 3/18) says that purity tests are a bad idea, because even Reagan wouldn’t pass one.
- Now former Congressman Eric Massa may not be the innocent bystander that we were led to believe. The House ethics committee has received allegations that he groped at least three male staffers. Well that seems fairly Foley-like.
- An IDOT bureau chief is facing peeping Tom charges. Big Brother is watching you.
- The Obama administration is reportedly looking to bar recreational fishing. They can have my fishing rod when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.
- Health desk: 1 in 6 Americans are infected with herpes. (Sings) “And I’m proud to be an American, where at least I know I’m free…”
- Blago will be doing the Top Ten List on The Late Show Wednesday night.
- More bad news for Toyota: A Prius was reportedly going 90 mph and couldn’t stop.
Slow News Day
(NSFW yet hilarious language)
Tues. Show Prep – Tourist Destination Edition
- A hotel overlooking Ground Zero is using it’s views as a selling point. Do you think Ground Zero is a valid tourist destination or are they cheapening the memory of the people who died there?
- Finally an idea comes out of Congress that I can get behind. Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick, D-Ariz., has introduced a bill to cut pay for members of Congress by 5 percent.
- Mary Josephine Ray has died at age 114. She WAS the oldest living American. Now Neva Morris of Ames, Iowa is next in the crosshairs.
- Imagine yourself in the shower when suddenly a naked Rahm Emanuel starts yelling at you and poking you in the chest. That’s exactly what Eric Massa says happened when he would not support ObamaCare. Geez, that would make me want to resign too.
- Our law enforcement officers just aren’t respected anymore. Last week we had the story of the guy who was fighting to make flipping off a cop protected speech. Now a woman has been charged with squirting breast milk at a deputy.
- Big Brother Alert: British garbage cans may soon sport microchips to monitor what people throw away. You WILL recycle, and you will like it.
- Befuddling stat of the day: 15% of Americans have interrupted sex to answer a cell phone call. If it’s important, they’ll leave a voicemail.
- Heath Desk: 6 Women Hospitalized After Botched Butt-Enhancing Procedures.
- Scare in the Air: A pilot hit a deer while he was trying to land at the airport in Grayslake.
- Scare in the Air part deux: A flight attendants’ union is demanding that attendants get combat training. “Put your tray tables and seat backs in the upright and locked position… or else!”
Mon. Show Prep – Revenge of the Nerds Edition
- A student in Michigan sued the school district because he said they weren’t doing enough to protect him from bullies. He won and got $800,000. Discuss.
- Zero Tolerance strikes again: A kindergartener got suspended for making a gun with his hand.
- More than 175 people have applied to be the Lt. Governor candidate for the democrats. The most high-profile might be Sheila Simon, Paul Simon’s daughter.
- Wheel of Ways and Means Chairmen: Sander Levin had to repay a property tax credit that he shouldn’t have gotten. So he’s more or less going to be in charge of taxes for the House, and he was getting a tax credit that he wasn’t eligible for.
- The Department of Homeland Security is protecting the US from cyber attack by going through ALL internet communication. They supposedly take out personal information unless they find something suspicious. I feel better. The project’s codename is “Einstein.” A government program should never be called “Einstein.” John that popping sound you heard in New York was Judge Napolitano’s head exploding.
- Scare in the Air: A man on a flight to Vegas thought it would be a good idea to take off all of his clothes as the airplane began its final approach. Authorities actually let him go. There’s a joke to be made about things being in the “upright and locked” position… but I just can’t find it.
- Proof that my degree from UAHuntsville, the MIT of the southeast isn’t worth the cardstock it’s printed on: A study confirms that colleges have been engaging in grade inflation for decades.
- This story submitted without need for comment: A car crash in the Florida Keys was caused when a woman was shaving her bikini area while driving.
Fri. Show Prep – Conspiracy Theory Edition
- An Orland Park man is suing the city claiming that his ex-wife conspired with the Chicago PD to issue him 24 false parking tickets. The ex-wife of course claims to have nothing to do with the tickets. Sounds a little far fetched to me.
- David Paul Kuhn at Real Clear Politics says that between people like Paul Ryan, Bobby Jindal and Mitch Daniels the GOP is experiencing a new age of Republican nerds. If you’re advising the GOP is that good news? Would you rather have people who know the issues inside and out or people who have enough charisma to make middle Americans swoon?
- Juan Williams says that Sarah Palin is only successful because she is attractive. Palin’s obviously a decent looking young lady, but I think she’s really more successful because people can identify with her, and because she can deliver a snappy one-liner.
- Nudity in New Jersey: New Jersey family forced to cover up their nude snow sculpture.
- Biggest, funnest, Fridayest headline of all time: Naked Woman Tied To Tree In Tacoma Park Not A Problem.
- Scare in the Air: A pilot was about to take off with a plane full of passengers when he was arrested for allegedly having a fake license.
- Pete Stark was named head honcho of the Ways and Means Committee replacing Charlie Rangel for a day… only to step down and hand the gavel to Sander Levin. Didn’t Andy Warhol say that in the future everyone would be Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee for 15 minutes?
- Conservatives everywhere had a grabber at about 12:30pm today. For some reason the gossip site RadarOnline posted a completely bogus report that John Roberts was going to shock everyone and resign from the Supreme Court. It was briefly picked up by Drudge and all hell broke loose in the blogosphere.
- The White House war against the fatties continues. Rahm Emanuel’s older brother says that “heavier people” are bad for the economy. Interestingly, the numbers kind of add up, when you consider the fact that the national has never been fatter and the economy is in the dumps.
- Big John Howell isn’t the only person who has joined Twitter lately. The Dalai Lama has also started tweeting. If you follow him, when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.
About Me
Keith Conrad
Radio producer, internet enthusiast, all around nice guy. Keith can talk your ear off on everything from NASA's latest plans to what the Cubs need to do to win the World Series.